When I went looking for love I imagined to be consumed by passion. When love found me, it healed my wounds and warmed my soul. I desired a perfect conversation with a hundred, aah! me toos. The disagreements I had in the actual ones, helped me grow like never before. I thought there was a purpose that had to be sought through endeavour. Halfway through the journey I realised, I was the one creating it for myself. I thought if I could fix everything around me, I would be happy. In reality the only person needing fixing turned out to be me. I looked for answers everywhere, until one day I realised following my curiosity was the only way to go. When I wrote the perfect story, there was a happily ever after.
In life I found nothing was forever. It was only my choice, in every moment, that mattered.

मेरी balcony से ज़िन्दगी कुछ और नज़र आती थी
उसके दरीचे से झाँका तो कुछ और ही मालूम हुआ।







I look at her from the corner of my eye while pretending to work. I was told she is 22 but she looks significantly younger. I see her looking at me sometimes while we work,I, at my computer while she does the dishes and I can feel her desperation. I have had the education she can never have, that so many women in this country can never have . I saw her crying one day, her parents had been fighting for two days straight. Her mother, she can’t get a divorce despite the everyday fights. Only if she were financially independent. It is heart-rending, the state of women in this country, the helplessness as if child-bearing and house-work is all there is to life.

My country needs more feminism, we all need to get together and bring an end to the senseless patriarchy

She told me yesterday that she is getting married and her eyes, my god her eyes, they were crying for help. I could only stand there and empathize with her. I wish I could go and put sense in some people but I knew I could not fight for her despite feeling her pain. 

I wonder what her life would be after the wedding, will she ever be able to make her own decisions? Will she ever be able to travel the world like me? Can she decide not to have kids? Can she decide anything in her life?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Madam कितनी सुन्दर हैं। एकदम हीरोइन जैसे। ३० साल की होंगी, पर बिना मेक-उप के  उनकी आँखों के नीचे कितनी झुर्रियां दिखती हैं।  इतना काम जो करना पड़ता है उन्हे। मैं तो ४ जगह बर्तन मांज के free हो जाती हूँ। मैडम तो दिन रात काम करती हैं, विदेश भी जाना पड़ता है उन्हें काम से। कभी कभी मुझे लगता है कितनी अकेली होंगी। अम्मा बाबा किसी और शहर में हों तो मैं तो उनके पास भाग जाऊं। Madam बहुत बहादुर हैं।  इतने बड़े मकान में अकेली रह लेती हैं।  एकदम Perfect  हैं मैडम।  

समझ नहीं आता , इतने साहब आते रहते हैं, कुछ तो साथ भी रहते हैं, फिर उनकी शादी क्यों नहीं हो पा रही। शायद उसका भी टेंशन रहता होगा उन्हें।  तभी तो जब मैंने उन्हें अपनी शादी का बताया, उनके चेहरे का रंग जैसे उड़ सा गया। मेरा बस चलता तो मैं ही उनके लिए लड़का ढून्ढ देती। पर इतनी पढ़ी लिखी हैं , मुझे कहाँ मिलेगा उनके लायक कोई लड़का। कम्प्टूटेर (Computer ) पर ही ढूंढ़ना पड़ेगा उन्हें।  
बच्चे देखके कितनी खुश हो जाती हैं वो।  बच्चे होते ही ऐसे हैं, मैं अपनी मुन्नी को खूब प्यार करूंगी।  माँ कहती हैं 35 तक गृहस्थी बन जानी चाहिए , वरना बहुत तकलीफ होती है।  Madam जी के पास 5 साल हैं। सोचती हूँ तो उनके लिए बड़ी टेंशन होती है मुझे। अम्मा शायद ठीक ही कहती हैं, ज़्यादा सोचना नहीं चाहिए। भगवान सब कुछ देखता है। तभी तो अम्मा इतनी खुश रहती हैं, बाबा से झगड़ा हो तब भी और घर पे पैसे खत्म हो जाएँ तब भी। कितने मज़े से वो मुकेश के गाने गा गा कर रोटियां सेकती हैं।   अम्मा को देखती हूँ तो मैडम याद आ जाती हैं। मेरी शादी हो जाएगी, मेरा घर बस जाएगा , मैं अम्मा की तरह भरा पूरा परिवार सजाउंगी।पर Madam जी का क्या होगा ?

क्या उनकी शादी अच्छे से हो पाएगी ? क्या बच्चों का सुख उन्हें मिलेगा? क्या वह एक जगह घर बसा पाएंगी? क्या उनके परेशान चेहरे पे कभी वह रंगत आ पायेगी, जो मुकेश के गाने गाते गाते मेरी अम्मा के चेहरे पे आ जाती है?

If I could classify this as a job, it is the most difficult one I have or will ever do. If it is a mission, it is more important than anyone I can ever dream of  undertaking.

I am overwhelmed today with the task at hand.

I go back after over a month of forced and diwali vacation to torn charts, a broken almirah, stolen books and as usual a filthy isolated classroom.

I go back to a dysfunctional school, where nobody cares. And all who care quit because they are so overwhelmed by how things function there.

I go back to kids who have learnt that violence is a way of life, be that physical or verbal, who have seen more than anyone deserves to see in an entire life, who do stuff I just wish I did not know right now.

Its a dark place down here. I am scared today . I dont know why but I am.

Today Kunal asked me to go to the toilet. Usually the class rule does not allow going to the toilet during instruction but when kids say 'didi zor se aayi hai' , I let them go. Well I am the trusting kinds ;).

Right before Kunal asked , I had seen his brother outside the door. As soon as Kunal said zor se aayi hai , kids prompted me saying 'Kunal bhai ke pas jaa raha'

The rest of the coversation :

Didi : Kunal are you telling a lie . Jhooth?
Kunal : Nai didi. No jhooth.

Didi : Kunal you are going to the toilet and not to your brother. Bhai ?
Kunal : No didi. Toilet.

Class : Nai didi jhooth bol raha. I see the brother outside running away.

And then I do what I  do most of the times. Trust.

Didi : Kunal go to the toilet and come back quickly. ( I acted the quickly part)

Kunal : Yes didi.

One hour later.

I am called for an important work. I ask the kids to work quietly. As I come back I hear a couple of kids shouting. I come back and ask who was shouting.

The class: (as usual) didi yeh -- nai didi woh.
Didi : Apne ap, on your own stand up and tell me who was shouting.

No one gets up.Again did yeh didi woh.

Didi : Tell me the truth. Sach bolo.

Kunal gets up. The only kid to stand. And though he was talking when I entered I am sure he wasnt the one shouting. I knew Sahil and Arbaz were and  when Kunal stood up there were 10 more who stood up including the both of them.


My trusting paid off. That is why I love kids. They tend to respect human elements much more than adults.

Thanks Kunal. You inspired me to trust people, few people do that.

Love
Didi.

It was my history book that gave me my first and strongest shot of nationalism. I tend to visualise most of the things I read and if you ask me, at 10, I actually saw the independence struggle infront of me. I remember crying when i was reading about jalianwala bagh and beamed with pride at Gandhi's victories.

My inspirations were these stories for a long time. I wanted to be like one of these national heroes, Bhagat Singh was one man I absolutely adored .

As I grew up, movies and their patriotic songs became my link with patriotism. So much so, that I would listen to these songs every 15th aug and 26th january.

Things have changed drastically now. Today the inspiration is not local, it is not India. Its global.
 Nothing made me realise that more than TFI.

Most of its inspirational songs are bollywood and hollywood numbers. Most of  its  inspirational leaders are present day teachers and no, they are not limited to India. National heroes, even social reformers hardly find a mention. Rabindranath Tagore and his ideas on education which changed the way I thought about  education as a whole, have also been considered too philosophical for the movement.

But people are inspired. They do not know about the 1857 struggle, they do not want to know about it and the best part is probably that they do not need to. 

The present inspires them, the idea of humanity inspires them, art and music inspires them. They do not need to look at the past. Its the present that they derive their energy from as they focus toward a bright future.

This is our new generation and I hope we get some change in place.